


I Didn't Mean It!

by Endgameendedthegame



Category: Batman - All Media Types, Nightwing (Comics), Red Hood and the Outlaws (Comics), Young Justice (Cartoon), Young Justice - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Gender Changes, AlwaysagirlRobin, Dissociation, Domestic Violence, Emotional Manipulation, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Female Dick Grayson, Gen, Genderbending, Hurt Dick Grayson, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, No beta we die like mne, Non-Consensual Drug Use, Physical Abuse, Rachel Grayson - Freeform, Trauma, nightwing 93
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-18
Updated: 2020-11-18
Packaged: 2021-03-09 22:20:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,824
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27623308
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Endgameendedthegame/pseuds/Endgameendedthegame
Summary: After Blockbuster, Rachel can't seem to escape.
Relationships: Catalina Flores/Dick Grayson
Comments: 2
Kudos: 110





	I Didn't Mean It!

**Author's Note:**

> Just a warning here of domestic abuse. It's a rough ride.

Nightwing knew she was a capable woman, there was no other option. Not after the death of her family. She was one of the most respected heroes in the business. People came to her for all sorts of help, whether it was detective work or hacking, people knew she was the best in the business. That had changed after Wally. People suddenly had no desire to work with her, to try and see past her mistakes. That’s probably how she ended up in situations like this.

“Bonita,” The woman whispered. “Come along now…” Rachel allowed the slim, strong arms to guide her along. She felt drunk, swaying back and forth. Drawn out from her thoughts Rachel risked glancing up to see Catalina. The woman’s face was drawn in concern. Rachel wasn’t sure why. Not after all she’d done. Moments passed in flashes. A dark apartment that smells like mold and dust, a rusty shower with lukewarm water splashing against the rust stained porcelain.  
Things faded back in when hands began to reach and attempt to unzip her suit. Rachel grunted as she tried to spin away only to be firmly grabbed by the hands. They were calloused and small, firmly gripping her chin and making her look at the other woman.

“No,” Rachel muttered. “Don’t touch me.” Catalina paid her no mind. 

“You need to get cleaned off. You’re covered in blood, Bonita” 

Rachel continued to struggle weakly. Losing patience, Catalina pulled her forward roughly and yanked the zipper down. Rachel tried to throw a punch and watched helplessly as Catalina easily dodged it before returning the attempt with a harsh smack across Rachel’s face making her head spin like a circus carousel.

“Now, look what you’ve made me do Rachel.” Hands once more gripped her face squeezing her jaw until Rachel whimpered from the pain. For a moment Catalina seemed to morph into a man, dressed in orange. Catalina seemed to ponder her face for a moment. A moment later the hands released her, smoothing her hair in affection. 

“Pobrecita…” she murmured, “I’m trying to help you. You know that’s all I’ve ever wanted to do, you know. Help you.” The hands gripped the edge of her mask and Rachel felt frozen as the last vestiges of her defence were stripped away. She was bare now, nothing left to protect her from the woman in front of her. Catalina didn’t hit her again though, just urged Rachel softly to her feet, helping her step over the edge of the tub into the shower. Warm water pelted her, falling down her body in black and bloody streaks.

Rachel didn’t know what to think, as the woman began to lather some soap into her hair. Catalina had just killed someone, had gunned them down in cold blood before…. Before… She didn’t want to think about that. Suddenly, Rachel just wanted to forget this whole day, Blockbuster, her home’s destruction, all of it. Catalina kept touching her, hands lingered as she wiped the evidence of the day from Rachel’s body. Purple bruises remained, staining her skin. Rachel drifted.

Sometime later the water shut off and Rachel shivered but couldn’t find the energy to move. A scratchy towel was wrapped around her shoulders and she was urged out of the tub. Her long hair was soaked, dripping across the floor as Catalina led her out of the bathroom to sit on the bed. Rachel could only think that the blankets would be damp now. She was so tired. 

“It’s going to be ok now, Bonita.” A voice says. Rachel thought it sounded sad. A moment later there was a sharp sting in her arm. Rachel frowned. A moment later she began to float, gently. Soft lips touched her own and she was lowered softly to lie on the bed. A hand drifted to caress her side.

“See?” The voice said. “Now, isn’t that much better.” 

Rachel didn’t know anything after that.

__________

Rachel wasn’t sure how long it had been since Catalina had killed Blockbuster and brought her away from the rain-soaked roof that night. Every day seemed to pass in a haze of guilt and numbness. She didn’t leave the apartment. She had tried once, but Catalina had seen her and stopped her, screaming in Spanish the entire time. The bruises on her arms faded slowly as Catalina begged her to stay. Rachel agreed, though she didn’t know why. Her head felt as though it was stuffed with cotton. Every night Catalina led her softly to the bedroom and brushed Rachel’s waist length hair before trailing kisses down her neck, ignoring the shudder that ran through Rachel’s body every time. After all, Rachel knew she had nowhere to go.

A few nights later Rachel felt herself come more awake than normal. Catalina was in the bed next to her, breaths soft as she slept. Rachel looked over at the alarm on the nightstand between the bright orange pill bottles she could see the numbers four twenty-three glaring back at her. The red light seemed accusing, as if asking her what on earth she was doing awake. Rachel watched as the numbers changed, staring until she noticed some light creeping through the bottom of the curtain that hung crookedly over the window. Almost absently she slipped out of the bed and crept over to the window, brushing the curtain aside to peek out at the morning sun. They were in some taller apartment, the building looked at least ten stories high, people were walking past it down below, looking small as blades of grass. 

Rachel looked away for a moment, eyes catching on a robe that lay on the floor. She pulled it over her shoulders before crossing her arms, hugging herself as she looked back out, watching the people move.

________

Rachel knew it had been three months since Blockbuster was murdered. Catalina had told her a few days before. She tried not to think about it as she sat at the counter, watching as Catalina made eggs and toast. The coffee pot bubbled in the corner. She watched as Catalina broke open one of the capsules from an orange bottle and sprinkled it into Rachel’s coffee before liberally adding some vanilla coffee creamer, Rachel’s favorite.

“Here you are, Bonita!” Catalina exclaimed, setting the plate and mug in front of Rachel. She spun away to reach for a drawer, pulling a fork out. 

“I don’t want this.” Rachel said softly, considering the coffee even as she took the offered utensil from the other’s hand. “It makes everything fuzzy.”

“You need it.” Catalina replied brusquely. “It helps you.” Rachel nodded and scooped up some of the egg. She didn’t reach for the mug throughout the meal.

“Rachel,” Catalina said, she sounded angry. “Drink the coffee.” Rachel knew she was angry. That Catalina was only trying to help but she really didn’t want it. Maybe Catalina would understand, the grey fog from the medication was becoming a hindrance. Rachel needed to wake up.

“I don’t want it.” She muttered. Rachel stood and moved to the sink, dumping the full cup of coffee down the drain. Silence, then her hair was yanked into an angry fist. Shocked Rachel didn’t react as her head was slammed onto the counter, the edge catching her eyebrow, splitting open a cut that began to drip down her face, blinding her. The mug fell from her hands shattering as it hit the floor.

“You do what I say you ungrateful maldita perra!” Catalina shouted. The woman’s hand was still wrapped in Rachel’s hair as she dragged her up. Rachel let out a sob as the woman’s other hand slapped her across the face. 

“I’ve done everything for you!” Catalina shouted, shaking Rachel. “I killed Blockbuster, I hid you from the cops, I helped you get better, and this is how you thank me?

No, no, no. Rachel knew, she knew that Catalina had stopped her from turning herself in. From telling Bruce.

“By throwing away everything that I’ve done!” 

Rachel was grateful, she really was. Her head ached as Catalina continued to grip her hair. Her own hand reached up to clutch at it hoping to relieve some of the pressure. She was sorry.

“You don’t want my help do you?” Catalina accused.

Rachel tried to shake her head in denial. Yes, yes she needed Catalina’s help.

I’m the only one who can help you!

Rachel knew that. The blood was stinging in her eyes now, she couldn’t see.

What would you do without me? Go back to the Bats? You’ve killed now Princessa, you’re just as bad as me, They’ll never take you back.” 

And that was the crux of it. Bruce would never take her back if he knew. All that Rachel had left was Catalina. Wally was dead, there was only Catalina.

Catalina finished her speech with a growl. Shaking Rachel once more for good measure before letting her drop to the floor. Rachel curled up with a sob, shaking. She knew she could never go back, not after Wally and never, ever after this.

“I’m sorry,” She cried. “Don’t leave!” It was too late the door slammed shut. Rachel was alone.

________

Rachel stopped arguing about the drugs. She just took the handful of pills that Catalina handed her every morning and swallowed them. Catalina always smiled afterwards and pecked her on the lips.

________  
Jason was not the type to fuss. If somebody disappeared for a bit, they disappeared, not his problem. He had other things to worry about. So, when the Replacement had contacted him about Rachel he wasn’t too worried about it. Rachel had a tendency to run off when shit got tough and she would show back up later with some brilliant plan and save the day. Still, after six or so month’s had gone by he was finding it harder to deny that something might be wrong. There had been an uptick in gang violence over in Blüdhaven and absolutely no sightings of the city’s resident hero. 

Still, not Jason’s problem. Really. 

Fine, he was in Blüdhaven. He wasn’t worried! He just wanted to know what the hell Golden Girl was up to! The drugs in ‘Haven were starting to affect his gig in Gotham. It was business that’s all.

So, he was definitely shocked when he pulled up to Goldie’s apartment building and found a pile of snow covered rubble. That was a little disturbing, Rachel was pretty insistent on updating him with her civilian residence, “just in case”. So, when he moved onto each of her safehouses and all of them were untouched and covered in a fine layer of dust, that might have been a little more disturbing. Truly though, he wasn’t worried….

“Hi, I’m looking for Officer Grayson. Is she around?” Jason asked. The receptionist at the station glanced up over the rims of her glasses looking like some stereotype from one of Bruce’s old cop shows. 

“Officer Grayson hasn’t worked here in months, she resigned.” The woman replied before going back to typing on her computer. 

Well, shit.

____

Catalina finally decided that it was alright for Rachel to accompany her out of the apartment. It didn’t take long for Rachel to realize that they were in Ontario. The cold weather blew through her bones. Catalina led her into a warmly lit coffee shop, it smelled sweet inside, ironically like maple syrup. Guiding her up to the counter Catalina kept her arm wrapped around Rachel’s back like she was afraid that she might try to run away. Rachel just watched as the barista took their order and started up the machines a fresh wave of the maple scent wafted at her as the doors to the back kitchen swung open. It smelled amazing. The whole place was like a dream. The lights softly glowed and the warmth of the building began to finally unfreeze her fingers.

Catalina handed her a vanilla latte and led her over to one of the tables. She sat down clutching the drink as Catalina settled across from her. 

“Rachel, cariña,” She said, reaching to clasp one of Rachel’s chilled hands. “I need to go meet with someone across the street. Can you wait here for me?” 

Rachel nodded, giving a dazed smile to the woman across from here. She could wait here, it was so warm and soft and pretty. Catalina smiled at her before lifting her hand to press a kiss to the icy knuckles. A moment later she was gone.

Rachel hummed to herself as she sipped at the sweet drink. After a few moments she removed her coat as the heat seeped into her skin. She wasn’t really dressed all that well to be honest. A simple sweater and leggings were all Catalina had given her to wear today. Rachel’s hair was done in a french braid, falling gently down her back, Catalina had taken the extra time that morning to do that. Rachel loved those soft moments, where Catalina didn’t want anything from her. Where all Rachel had to do was bask in the soft, innocent affection. It never really seemed to satisfy Catalina but she did it for Rachel, and Rachel was grateful for everything Catalina had done for her.

“Are you okay?” A voice asked. Rachel glanced over, surprised, as she met the eyes of one of the baristas. His nametag read “Tim” in bright red lettering with a smiley face. Rachel suddenly ached for her little brother.  
“What happened to your eye?” Tim continued. Rachel subconsciously reached up to gently prod the bruised skin next to her eye, it wasn’t purple anymore, it had faded to a lurid green. She doesn’t know why she tells him the truth, maybe it’s because he reminds her so strongly of her baby brother. 

“Sometimes she gets mad.” The words slip out. “Could I borrow your phone?”

_________

Tim seems concerned as he hands her his cell phone. He tells her she can make a call in the back if she’d like. Rachel accepts, following him through the door to the kitchen where the smell of maple once more strikes her. The numbers are second nature to her, and soon the line is ringing.

“Wayne Manor” A crisp British voice says. Rachel wants to cry, she misses Alfred so much. 

“Hi Alfie” She whispers.

“Miss Ellie?” He responds, he sounds shocked.

“Yes.” She doesn’t know what else to say. 

“My dear girl, where are you?” The butler exclaims. “Master Bruce has been worried sick!” 

Bruce was worried about her? Didn’t he know?

“I think I want to come home Alfie.”

___________

Jason is surprised when the Replacement calls. He hadn’t seen or heard anything about Nightwing or media darling Rachel Grayson in weeks. He had torn Blüdhaven apart looking for her and had actually reached out to Roy Harper of all people to see if he had heard from her. (Only to be cussed out, something about breaking trust?) Turns out no one had heard from her in nearly a year. Jason himself had last heard from her about six months ago when she told him she was after some gang leader who called himself “Blockbuster”. What a stupid name. Bruce’s last contact with her was around the same time.  
Three weeks later, her resignation was turned in by some girlfriend who said Rachel was leaving with her. (Dumb-ass police didn’t think anything suspicious about that?) Jason had been chasing leads down around the country trying to find some trace of Goldie, he’d started to think that maybe he was looking for a body. He ended up back in Blüdhaven where he shook down some ex-member of Blockbuster’s crew, before shitting his pants the wimp told him some broad working with Nightwing had shot his old boss.  
Finally, Jason was able to do some digging and came up a name. Tarantula, some former FBI agent named Catalina Flores who started working with Nightwing a few months before Goldie’s last contact. Last anyone had heard she was headed North. Then, Tim Fucking Drake calls him.

“Ontario? You’ve got to be shitting me.” He huffed. 

“She called the Manor. Alfred said he spoke to some kid who gave him the address.” Tim confirmed. Jason could hear the clacking of computer keys in the background. “Apparently she didn’t look good.”

“She better look like shit, if she’s just been off on some vacation to Canada while we’ve been looking for her…” Jason let the sentence trail off. 

“Well, you're the closest to her. She’s at a coffee shop in a town right outside of Ottawa. You can get there in a few hours. Jason hung up the phone. Replacement would send him the address.

Six hours later Jason was at a coffee shop called the “Latte cafe” The place stank of maple syrup, it was February. He stomped up to the counter where some blond chick was standing at the register. 

“Where is she?” 

________

Rachel was nervous when Catalina led her into the apartment. She had spoken with Alfred for almost an hour, she even had gotten to say hello to her Tim, he had prattled to her about school and a girl named Stephanie that he had met. She hadn’t wanted to say goodbye when Tim’s coworker Anita had told them Catalina was coming. They’d had Rachel come out of the restroom as the woman entered. She was sure Catalina could tell something was up. Rachel wondered if she would have been better off if she hadn’t left the address with barista Tim. She made him promise not to call the police and she had heard Alfred reassure the kid that someone was coming for her. She shivered.

“Oh, Bonita” Catalina cooed. “You must be freezing.” The woman led Rachel to the couch, settling her down before wrapping her in a blanket. 

“There we are.” Catalina purred. Settling down to pull Rachel into her side. “Now, why don’t we turn on a movie? Warm up a bit.” 

“Actually,” Rachel said, worrying her bottom lip. Maybe Catalina would understand. “I wanted to talk to you about something.

It didn’t go well. 

______  
Jason heard screaming first. He had taken the elevator up because he wasn’t stupid. (like Batman.) Elevators were a fine way to avoid getting tired by the time you reached the tenth fucking floor. Still, it surprised him when the first thing he heard after stepping out of the elevator was some woman screaming. Then he heard a thump, followed by a cry that sent him straight back to the closet in the hallway of his childhood apartment, his mom whimpering on the floor. Jason rushed forward. He took no time to knock on the door, instead he kicked it in. 

Inside there was some chick standing over another girl, Jason recognized the standing one as Catalina Flores. Then Jason took a closer look at the girl on the floor. It was Goldie. Her face was covered in bruises and both her nostrils were leaking blood, her lip was split and it looked like some old cut on her forehead had reopened and was bleeding into her eyes. Her hair was a mess as if someone had grabbed it. Also, it was down. Goldie never had her hair down, it was always up in some ponytail or fancy updo. He never noticed how long it was. 

“What the fuck!” The other woman exclaimed, interrupting Jason’s train of thought as he heard Rachel gasp his name. 

“Who the hell are you?” She shouted. Jason wasted no time in throwing a punch at the bitch. That was his sister she had bleeding on the ground. 

The fight only lasted a few minutes. The bitch was decent but no match for the fully armored Red Hood kicking down her door. It only took a few moments to have her laid out on the floor just as bloody as Goldie. Jason followed her down, pinning her with his body as he reached both hands around the bitch’s throat. His vision hazed with green.

_______

“Jason, Jason, No!” Rachel shouted. She reached for her brother’s arms trying to rip them away from Catalina’s throat. He didn’t understand. Catalina was scared of losing her! Abruptly he released the woman, who gasped and started hacking, trying to drag air back into her lungs. Rachel stared for a moment before starting forward. Hands gentle as she tried to ascertain the damage.  
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, Catalina! I didn’t mean it!” She cried as she tried to touch the other woman’s throat only to be smacked away with a savage snarl. She scuttled back, quickly hitting the wall as she curled up grasping her hands in her hair as she sobbed. She’d fucked everything up, she wanted Wally. She sobbed for what felt like hours, even as the sounds of Jason moving around the apartment went on around her. She startled when she felt gentle hands grasp at her own.  
“Goldie.” It was Jason. He had taken the Helmet and his domino mask off. His eyes were so green now, like the sea. She looked into them, just watching the way they moved as he gently touched the side of her face.  
“It’s going to be okay now.” He said softly. Rachel sniffled as he gently helped her stand. He led her through the open door, away from Catalina.

6 Months after Leaving

“Jason!” Rachel exclaimed. Bouncing across the rooftop she threw her arms around her giant little brother. It wasn’t fair that he got to be over six foot tall while she lingered at five foot four.  
“Where have you been? Timmy and I have been waiting for you!” She let herself hang dramatically from his neck letting him take all her weight. She was close to a healthy weight now that Alfred had had her under his watchful eye. (Though he’d insisted she stay longer after he found her in the bathroom shearing her hair off at the chin.) A few more weeks and he would clear her to move back out into Blüdhaven. She’s lost her job at the precinct, but there was a little gymnastics place that she’d had her eye on. A new apartment too!

“I’ve been working on shit,” Came the grumbled reply. He didn’t try to dislodge her. “Not all of us can take nights off whenever we want.”

“Well, you’re taking tonight off! I’ve already found a movie and Alfred is providing cookies and popcorn.” Rachel cheered. Letting him go in order to fall into a backflip. She was happy now, she really was. She didn’t need Catalina, she didn’t mean it when she said she did. No one knew about Blockbuster. They thought that Catalina had kept her drugged and helpless. All Rachel had to do was let it fade into the past. They didn’t need to know. 

They’ll never have too.

**Author's Note:**

> So, what do you think? I'm not currently planning a sequel but I did leave it open in case I decided to. I just really wanted to explore the domestic abuse with Rachel and Catalina, the relationship is just so toxic. I also loved having Jason in here, he's good under that rough tough exterior. I wrote this in a day after listening to a podcast that talked about domestic violence and I really wanted to explore Rachel vulnerable after losing Wally (who was still with Artemis), then the rest of her life after that. This is loosely connected to Fighting but Broken but I though it ought to stand alone.


End file.
